This is the start where you will find your directionÂ
Welcome — and thank you for being here.
This is Chapter 3 of my book From No Direction to Clear Direction – Guided by My True Values.
The book is written step by step to help you reflect, grow, and find your own direction in life.
You can find all chapters in the menu above.
In the previous chapter of this book, I shared my story and introduced how the brain can sometimes keep you away from your dreams.
So much of what you do from the very beginning of life is based on instinct.
You receive milk from your mother. It sounds obvious, but she cares for you and protects you.
You may not have thought about this before, but when your mother breastfeeds you, both her body and your body are filled with oxytocin, often called the love hormone.
This creates a very special bond between mother and child.
The act itself, receiving food while being held safely and lovingly, creates feelings of comfort, satisfaction, and well-being throughout the body.
Oxytocin is also released in adults when they feel a deep connection, fall in love, or have sex. It creates sensations of closeness, safety, and pleasure.
Another hormone that plays a major role in our lives is dopamine.
Dopamine can be beneficial, but it can also become problematic when we become dependent on things that overstimulate it.
Certain things create dopamine spikes, such as sugar, alcohol, drugs, gambling, and social media.
Take sweets as an example. Many people crave chocolate or sugar because these foods activate reward systems in the brain. This can become addictive and difficult to control.
Imagine a small child tasting chocolate for the first time.
The child did not ask for it, but immediately likes it—or rather, feels something rewarding from it.
Dopamine is released, and naturally the child wants more.
The child sees it, smells it, tastes it, and the experience is stored in the brain.
The next time they see it again, they want it again. They have not yet learned self-regulation.
Here is another example:Â
When we are babies and small children, our brains are biologically designed to protect us from danger.
Take lemon as an example.
Lemon juice has a pH between 2 and 3, which makes it acidic. A newborn or very young child has not yet learned that lemon is safe.
The brain is built to detect possible threats.
As soon as a baby tastes lemon, signals travel from the tongue to the brain in milliseconds. The brain immediately sends signals back to the body.
Because a baby cannot explain this with words, it responds with facial expressions.
The grimace is essentially the baby communicating:
“I do not like this. Please do not give it to me.”
This is biology in action.
So if you ever see parents repeatedly giving acidic foods to a baby for entertainment, perhaps gently explain what is happening.
This brings us to one of the most important points in this chapter: humans have two main types of motivation.
Intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation.
A deeper understanding of the differences between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation
Imagine a child growing up.
You notice the child drawing, painting, playing football, dancing, writing stories, or building things.
The child keeps returning to the same activity again and again.
You might wonder why.
It is biological.
The child does it voluntarily, almost as if drawn toward it.
And in some ways, it is like a natural reward system. Hormones are involved.
Ask a child who loves painting why they enjoy it. The answer may surprise you.
They may say:
“I like the smell of paint. It reminds me of when we did something fun.”
Or:
“When I paint, I feel calm.”
Or:
“I like painting because it makes me happy when other people enjoy what I make.”
Look at those words:
smell
calm
happy
These are clues to deeper internal values.
Nobody had to force the child to start painting. The child chose it naturally.
This is intrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic motivation is when you do something because it feels meaningful, satisfying, interesting, calming, or energizing to you.
It is deeply connected to your personal values.
On the other hand, we have extrinsic motivation.
Extrinsic motivation is when you do something mainly to receive a reward, approval, recognition, money, status, or to avoid punishment.
This may be one reason why many people feel stuck in life.
Let me share an example:Â
A 7-year-old child does not keep their bedroom tidy. The parents become frustrated and say:
“If you clean your room, I will give you sweets on Saturday.”
This is extrinsic motivation.
The child acts because a reward is promised.
The reward is linked to dopamine and anticipation.
Another example:
Ask a group of children:
“If you sit quietly through dinner tonight, you will each get two ice creams afterward.”
Immediately, they become excited.
They jump, smile, and celebrate.
This is also biological.
They already know what is coming. Their brains anticipate the dopamine reward.
And suddenly, they are no longer focused on dinner. They are focused on what comes after dinner.
Then parents become confused.
“Why can’t my children sit still?”
Well, because their brains are now highly activated by anticipation.
This is not bad parenting. It is simply biology.
To wrap up the two differencesÂ
Intrinsic motivation is biological and comes without needing an external reward. It is a natural human drive.
Extrinsic motivation is behavior shaped by external rewards, pressure, expectations, or validation.
Both exist in all of us.
But when we rely too heavily on extrinsic motivation, we can lose touch with ourselves.
So why do so many people fail to reach their dreams or feel out of sync in life?
I want to share a personal example.
I like writing.
I like creating.
I like traveling.
I like building things together with others.
I loved writing when I was a child.
Writing made my mind flow creatively. I loved telling stories through words.
It made me feel calm. It felt like traveling through imaginary worlds and characters.
I do not blame my parents for anything. They did their very best. They simply did not have the knowledge I have today.
But my writing was not especially recognized, because in some way my father wanted me to be good at mathematics.
In school, the grading system was from 1 to 6.
I often came home with grades of 2 or lower in mathematics, but 4, 5, and 6 in writing.
Do you see the difference?
My father did not naturally recognize my strength in writing because his dream for me was different. He wanted me to succeed in mathematics.
This is a very clear example of intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation.
I tried hard to improve in mathematics, not because I loved it, but because I wanted him to be happy.
That is extrinsic motivation.
Now, more than 45 years later, I have come back to who I was always meant to be:
A storyteller.
Someone who writes every day because it brings calm, creativity, and meaning into my life.
That is intrinsic motivation.
So if you want to make progress in your own life, I invite you to discover the tools I created for myself, and which I now share with you.
READ: Find the way to a clear direction